During a meeting I attended this past week, I was reminded of the concept of ‘Relational Intelligence’:
“Relational intelligence is the set of skills we use to navigate our relationships and connect with others.” (https://www.roliedema.com/relational-intelligence.html)
Sometimes, it can be easy to overlook the fact that we are always in relationship with ourselves and with the world around us. It doesn’t always feel that way – but that’s not necessarily due to a lack of relationship; it can actually be due to a lack of awareness about that relationship. This awareness is actually one of the things that can improve when we work on our relational intelligence.
Relationships are important to engage with – not just for ourselves and our own experiences, but also for the world we share with one another.
One of the ways that we can develop our relational intelligence is to actually engage our desire to understand “the other”, our ability to listen, to understand, and to be aware of them.
This is true and applicable, regardless of the kind of relationship – whether romantic, familial or otherwise.
Many times it can be easier to want to understand the other, than it is to actually understand them. So how exactly can one strengthen these abilities?
The Five Love Languages
The Five Love Languages is a framework developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, that is based on the idea that there are different ways that different people give and receive love in relationships:
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Physical Touch
By learning about these preferences, as well as how we can recognise them in ourselves and in others, we are actually turning our desire to understand, into action.
Of these different love languages, let’s look at the:
Acts of Service Love Language
The classical understanding of this love language is that people whose primary love language is acts of service, have preferences for intentionally thoughtful actions and gestures, whether that be in the giving or receiving of them. Oftentimes, those of us with this love language believe that actions speak louder than words.
The “acts of service” in our relationships don’t just mean the execution of grand gestures, but in a broader context, they are the moments of intentional selflessness that exist when we give what is of best service to others – without expecting anything in return. This can be something as simple as helping the other out with a household chore without being asked.
All people love in different ways, and factors like the context of the relationship, will play a role in the determination of what particular acts are most appreciated.
One perspective you can hold in this could be that all relationships are the giving and receiving of energy and love, and that acts of service are an intentional mindfulness around the way that this happens.
My own exploration of acts of service in relationships has been a fascinating one over the past few weeks..
In sharing my experience with you, I’m hoping it may shed light on experiences you may have, or have had.
We can get fixated on the ‘doing’ in our relationships. Who did what and when. What is on the project task list? What are we having for dinner? 🙂
Well, what I discovered, was that there is immense power in the ‘being in‘ our relationships, and that the act of “being in”, is in itself an act of service that is deeply healing and connecting.
An Example of the Power of Presence and Awareness in Relationship
A few weeks ago, my partner Gerry and I set off on a couples retreat.
The question at the forefront of my mind was, “Can Gerry and I continue to learn and grow together?”. The doubts had started to swirl in my mind over the accumulation of the past couple of years.
We have come together later in life and have been together for almost 6 years.
In my own assessment, I have found some of my most painful learnings through the seemingly ‘dysfunctional’ patterns I seem to experience in intimate relationship.
My experiences have held profound moments of unworthiness and shame right through to deep healing and heart opening love (which is where the retreat experience comes into the picture)…
A little side note: for those who know me, it probably comes as no surprise that I am constantly in a state of curious self-enquiry! I cannot help but look for rocks in my own life’s path to lift up and explore around, above, under and in between! Some of my most magical moments in life happen when I am open to what is emerging in my experiences, and I am in constant awe of how it unfolds.
Anyway, I digress.
For some reason, I had gotten ‘stuck’ in my intimate relationships. I had felt caught in the repetitive cycle of blockage and misunderstandings – where Gerry and I mostly felt disconnected, with only an occasional moment of connection.
How could this be?
What I was to discover over the 6 days on retreat, would give me an embodied knowing of what heals our deepest wounds so we can be fully committed to unconditionally loving relationships with another.
And this applies in my view to all ‘others.’ All of us as ‘each other’ – as we share in the privilege of working together and living together in this precious world of ours.
Throughout the time, I discovered something that shifted my own understanding. For context, let me bring to mind a quote;
“Tantra is transforming sex into love through awareness.” – Diana Richardson
(what I discovered, is not about sex. 😊)
Another little side note: more than once, I wondered whether or not to include that quote here – I’m all too aware of the usual conditioned interpretations that may or may not bias the way in which you receive my thoughts.. I know that there are readers who may even decide to dismiss what is coming next in this article!
I guess I am trusting in the process of what is coming out through my writing in this moment, and I feel that this moment is all part of the expansive, shared discovery journey – for me with you. So, I’ve included Diana’s beautiful definition above.
As part of what I discovered, I want to call your attention to three specific words from the definition:
- Transforming
- Love
- Awareness
What I have come to be passionately committed to in my life’s mission and work is all about self-awareness, expansion and growth beyond our limiting patterns, in service to our abundant world, for all…
Transformation, love and awareness are therefore foundations with which I am aligned…
I am a dedicated practising student of being present in the moment with awareness and curiosity (well, at least as much as I can see through my humanness)…
The realisation that hit me in the moment, was that while my work, my life, and my very being was aligned with those three words, I had somehow not applied that alignment to my relationship with Gerry! The realisation brought a stark shock, and I remember actually asking myself “How is it possible that I’ve NOT been consciously present and aware in my relationship with Gerry?!”
Our default daily patterning had become a routine of the following:
- I’d deep dive into my own unfolding deeper explorations of self…
- Gerry would communicate about the ‘doings’ of the day…
- I’d be waiting for Gerry to dive into what was going on more deeply for himself…
- And then we’d eat meals together, watch something on YouTube and go to sleep…
Hmmm… The lack of congruence was staring me in the face, heart AND soul!
I had NOT been practising being present and aware in my relationship with Gerry.
So, it’s time (Bobby Alu’s song is playing synchronistically in mind as I type now).
Time to go deeper within myself.
It’s time to apply my practice and philosophical beliefs in what has been my biggest challenging relationship context.
My intimate relationship.
What might I discover?
Deciding that Conscious Discovery is at the Core
In the natural cycle of change, our retreat experience commenced with some trepidation about what it might hold.
Would our relationship survive past whatever this week would reveal to us? About ourselves…About each other… About us as a couple?
With love and care, we both come to the decision that we no longer wanted to continue to repeat the patterns that we had developed.
The conscious declaration that we wanted more alignment within ourselves and with each other (if that was what was to be), had been made.
Deciding to commit ourselves to the experience of the retreat, opened a door and shifted our energy. What we were really opening up to within ourselves, was the willingness to be vulnerable in the unknown – we didn’t know what we might uncover at the retreat, but we were willing to find out and trust the process.
Surrendering to the Process
On the night of Day 1, Gerry and I found ourselves in the same pattern of having a ‘round the merry-go-round’ discussion that is ever so familiar to us.
We were ironically meant to be sharing an evening in noble silence with each other – and I found my own ‘rebel’ archetype kicking in and there we were, reliving the same pattern we came to the retreat, hoping to break.
And then the next day, something started to shift.
I felt a stark contrast to the ‘stuckness’ that I had experienced the night before – it was as though that feeling began to transform into an experience of ‘liberation’ – as I allowed myself to be carried by the unfolding experience of the unknown.
We started with mindful and energetic exercises that connected to… wait for it…
OURSELVES!
By bringing our deep presence within ourselves first, we were able to then ‘be’ with the other.
Conclusion
One of the daily exercises was to eye gaze for the equivalent of the timing of 3 songs. And to move towards your partner if you felt drawn to. There were variations of the exercise which brought up fascinating inner insights for me. Over the course of our shared eye gazing and connection, I experienced a breakthrough in my inner walls and healing of long-standing wounds.
There were tears that flowed, periods of silence and words shared that I had not expressed before.
Being with our tender selves, we bravely sat with who we were in that moment.
With awareness and presence.
With non-judgment and curiosity.
With an open heart.
What I feel I have gained from this heart-opening experience is a deep embodied knowing that:
When we truly see the other, we realise we truly see ourselves.
That our deep desire in relationship with ourselves, with others and the world around us is to be truly seen and held for the essence of who we are.
At our core.
Beneath the protective layers and the defences we may have once felt we needed to have to keep ourselves safe.
That often, words are not really even necessary.
That in truly seeing each other, we can sense each other’s presence.
That they are with us in the moment.
That they are choosing to be with us as it is important to them.
That they are honouring both themselves, and us, with their presence.
There is no self-sacrifice or neediness in this.
There is a natural balance in the relationship – an ebb and flow just like the emotions that flowed through us in the seeing of ourselves in each other.
It is my hope that my learning in this experience adds value to your journey, and that your relational intelligence continues to grow. If you’d like to learn more about what we do, or read through other articles, you can do so here.
May you have a magical workday, every day!
